"Why I want to be a Grandma Right Now . . . without the whole having kids and raising them part."

Recently, I was hanging with some of my lovely lady friends in Mid-Missouri (Mid-MO for those in the know) for a wedding shower/ bachelorette party extravaganza.


I will spare you the gory details of the weekend outing, but all I can say is that pandas really like it when girls wear fancy “Dancing with the Stars” get ups around them and there is NOTHING wrong with getting up on a platform to dance on multiple occasions especially when Snap’s! “I Got the Power” begins spinning its wicked auditory web.








I would like to focus instead on the pure genius of being a grandma. When one is elderly it all of a sudden becomes acceptable to say whatever is going on in one's aged mind, even if it makes no sense whatsoever. Now, how great would that be? You can say stuff like, “My hair hurts” or “I liked you better when you were skinnier” or “All she needs is a good rogering” and all people can do around you is nod and smile and later shrug their shoulders and say, “Oh, that’s just grandma, she grew up during the Depression, so give her some slack!” Really, I say crazy things all of the time and I don’t seem to be forgiven quite so easily. Instead, people just tell me to shut up or tune me out or have the decency to give me the whole rolling eyes in the back of the head salute.

While in Missouri I had the pleasure to be around a grandma who was spot on hilarious right out of the gate. This particular grandma had a penchant for margaritas and for having no filter. What a lovely combination, no? Case in point, she told us a story about how someone accidentally packed a coconut bra in her 90+-year-old sister’s suitcase. Grandma then proceeded to do a rendition of how her sister was absolutely confused about the usage of said bra and couldn’t understand why in the world it was in her suitcase, as she had no need for such an apparatus. Grandma suggested that one of us wear the bra out to the bars if we really wanted to snag some men. We opted to wear a tad bit more coverage. The following day when Grandma noticed that there were no men accompanying us at breakfast, she told us that she should have gone out with us to help with the men wrangling. I bet she would have partied like nobody’s business.

Keep in mind we were around Grandma for a total of one day tops and she packed in the laughs like they were going out of style. She warned us about how naps can make you put on someone else’s pants (scandalous!). When she takes naps she sometimes gets confused about what time it is when she wakes up (happens to the best of us, right?). Well, one time she woke up from a nap at 6pm and thought it was 6am, hustled to the shower, got dressed, and took her hormone shot (now that doesn’t happen to all of us, or does it?). She then received a phone call from her daughter asking her if she was ready for dinner, and at around the same time realized that her pants were way too tight on her. She had mistakenly put on her other daughter’s pants that were four sizes too small! She was busting them at the seams. If I was in a similar situation people would opt for the whole, “Classy is being a drunk moron again” phrase and would then point and laugh at me for wearing shoes on the wrong feet and dancing in them for 15 minutes (which did happen, folks). But, in Grandma’s case, the situation was explained by, “She’s old.” Why can’t I have that excuse?