How not to Make Some Time with the Ladies
While recently at a bar in the Wicker Park area of Chicago I was pleased as punch sitting back drinking my Miller Lite having my back fried by an actual fireplace in the indoor room made out to look like a patio (what is it with me and fake patios?) when I experienced what I would call the Mecca of all pickup lines.
Please indulge me by letting me set the scene. The fireplace was roaring, the bar was crowded with your typical mid to late twenty/thirty somethings, some falling asleep at their tables due to the riveting conversation to be had, others just surveying the scene looking hoping to make some type of eye contact. The bar in the patio had this strange fake red curtain awning thing around it that I suppose was meant to make you feel like you were at the theater. Who knew that it was going to turn into theater of pain later that evening? The tunes, while expecting them to be lackluster were surprisingly good, some Hot Hot Heat “ Middle of Nowhere”, Stereophonics “Dakota”, The Pixies “Debaser”, and Built to Spill “Goin’ Against Your Mind” to name a few, all acceptable bar music fare.
So, I was in good spirits until this guy came up to my friend and me:
I had mistakenly made eye contact with him earlier, not on purpose mind you, but just because when I jam out to music I move my head around and during this motion I am bound to have some dude come into my field of vision. I guess the earlier eye contact gave him the sign that it was go time with my friend and me. So Dude comes to my side of the table and squats down and proceeds to talk to us.
Here is the conversation:
Dude #1: Hey ladies! What’s up! How you doin’?
Classy: Um, hey. Good. Thanks.
Dude #1: That’s GREAT!
Classy: Um . . .
[Uncomfortable silence]
Not so creepy normal Dude #2 walks up to the table, Dude #1 squats patiently.
Dude #2: Hey do you guys know a bar around here where we can go dance?
Classy: (very happy that she doesn’t have to talk to the Dude #1) Blah blah blah go here or there or there, want to hear my life story, here it goes . . .
Dude#2: Thanks. (leaves)
Dude #1: I can tell that you ladies don’t waste time and I do not want to waste your time so, I wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend and she likes chicks.
Classy: (dumbfounded) That’s nice. (takes both index and middle fingers, places them together, and sways them to the left and in her best JT impersonation) Go ahead, be gone with it.
Dude #1: Well, she really likes chicks.
Classy: Go ahead, be gone with it.
Dude #1: (leaves)
In retrospect, I should have asked Dude #1 where his girlfriend was and that I wanted to inspect the merchandise. But, I was purely amazed by the sheer absurdity of the pickup line that I did not have the presence of mind to do so.
Dearest readers, care to share the best/worst pickup lines you’ve heard or said?
Please indulge me by letting me set the scene. The fireplace was roaring, the bar was crowded with your typical mid to late twenty/thirty somethings, some falling asleep at their tables due to the riveting conversation to be had, others just surveying the scene looking hoping to make some type of eye contact. The bar in the patio had this strange fake red curtain awning thing around it that I suppose was meant to make you feel like you were at the theater. Who knew that it was going to turn into theater of pain later that evening? The tunes, while expecting them to be lackluster were surprisingly good, some Hot Hot Heat “ Middle of Nowhere”, Stereophonics “Dakota”, The Pixies “Debaser”, and Built to Spill “Goin’ Against Your Mind” to name a few, all acceptable bar music fare.
So, I was in good spirits until this guy came up to my friend and me:
I had mistakenly made eye contact with him earlier, not on purpose mind you, but just because when I jam out to music I move my head around and during this motion I am bound to have some dude come into my field of vision. I guess the earlier eye contact gave him the sign that it was go time with my friend and me. So Dude comes to my side of the table and squats down and proceeds to talk to us.Here is the conversation:
Dude #1: Hey ladies! What’s up! How you doin’?
Classy: Um, hey. Good. Thanks.
Dude #1: That’s GREAT!
Classy: Um . . .
[Uncomfortable silence]
Not so creepy normal Dude #2 walks up to the table, Dude #1 squats patiently.
Dude #2: Hey do you guys know a bar around here where we can go dance?
Classy: (very happy that she doesn’t have to talk to the Dude #1) Blah blah blah go here or there or there, want to hear my life story, here it goes . . .
Dude#2: Thanks. (leaves)
Dude #1: I can tell that you ladies don’t waste time and I do not want to waste your time so, I wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend and she likes chicks.
Classy: (dumbfounded) That’s nice. (takes both index and middle fingers, places them together, and sways them to the left and in her best JT impersonation) Go ahead, be gone with it.
Dude #1: Well, she really likes chicks.
Classy: Go ahead, be gone with it.
Dude #1: (leaves)
In retrospect, I should have asked Dude #1 where his girlfriend was and that I wanted to inspect the merchandise. But, I was purely amazed by the sheer absurdity of the pickup line that I did not have the presence of mind to do so.
Dearest readers, care to share the best/worst pickup lines you’ve heard or said?
posted by classyandfancy at 7:24 PM
7 Comments:
When I was newly single after 5 years out of the game I asked a girl, innocently enough I thought, "What's your story?" After that I was a joke with her friends, and every time she saw me she'd say, "What's your story?" Dude, if someone asks me what my story is I'm more than happy to regale them with a tale complete with sex scenes, car chases, and maybe even some swashbuckling.
Justin Timberlake should get royalties for all the dumb dudes who use his lines. I was at the Map Room a few weeks ago with a group of friends, and some guy (who probably had never been there before since the Map Room is not your typical pick-up bar) asked our friend Juli if she was going to bring sexy back. Ug.
Friday night I was doing a promotion with a local station and they had a prize wheel. An old dirty man in a UPS shirt walked up to me and asked me his chances of winning me if he spun the wheel. I said zero and laughed at him.
Dr. Ken- Everyone has a story! If they don't and they can't make one up, then they are so painfully boring that I wouldn't waste my breath/space/buzz on them. Or I would make up a story about them involving the three critical pieces you outline and throw in a panda for good measure.
5 of 9er- Yes, that might have been a little funny like 4 months ago, but now? C'mon. I would've said, "No, but I am bringin' restrainin' orders back."
PS. Love the Map Room! Great beer selection and most definitely not a pick up joint.
Julie_gong- Smooth move pops. I am surprised that you didn't jump his bones given his oh so hot fashion sense. I think he would've had more success if he was leaning out of his truck whistling at you. Why do guys ever think that will work?
thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. i was trying to remember that oh-so-funny line you said to him that night. i knew it was more special than "you go to hell and you die."
i think those faux red curtains were actually made of foam core. personally, it conjured up memories of waldorf and stadtler from the muppet show.
and no, i don't know what it is with you and fake patios. maybe something about my presence makes you secretly long for ugly lawn furniture.
Kirsten- You may be on to something, maybe we should hang at nicer joints. I only wish the Muppets were there. They could've helped us with ripping on backwards hat a-hole.
First off: You should be using Corbis. All corbis all the time.
One of my favorite lines was: "You're so fine I could drink your bath water." So nasty.
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