The Do’s and Don’ts of Surviving Lollapalooza

I think it’s pretty telling that it’s taken me over a week to summarize my second Lollapalooza experience, indicative that my going out stamina has drastically decreased over the past year, so much so, that not only did I take two days off after Lolla, but I felt like I needed the whole week off. Granted, Lolla falls on the weekend of my birthday and that’s good reason for me to do it up like nobody’s business, but this year, doing it up involved me feeling like I was constantly in melting and recovery mode. So since I plan on going to Lolla for as long as my two little legs can bring me there (oh wait, even if I have to take a Rascal scooter there, I’m still going), I’ve decided to compile a list of the Lolla wisdom I’ve gained.

1) While a sneaking a flask in full of vodka is a good idea, combining the contents of that said flask with smoothies from the Maui Wowi stand, and killing its contents over a two-hour period is not wise. Pacing is crucial for maximum music appreciation.

2) Once the smoothies dry out switching to Budweiser (since it was the only choice besides wine, and seriously who drinks wine at an outdoor fest?) will only lead to you having to go to the bathroom every second. Although I was feeling really good, all I remember about the Saturday night headliner Muse was their wicked light show and a séance (see #9).

3) Speaking of bathrooms, make sure you bring wet wipes with you and do not under any circumstance use the bathrooms on the final day of the fest. I cannot attest to their condition on the final day because I decided to reduce my liquid intake on the final day only to what I needed to survive and sweat out in order to avoid stepping anywhere near those vile plastic tombs.

4) Don’t wear any clothing that you value or plan on wearing anytime in the near future, especially shoes. I sweat through all of my clothing (super hotness that I am). For some reason, Buckingham Fountain, which is the center of the fest and the pathway between the two main stages, is surrounded by some lovely pink gravel and dirt. Not only does this cause hundreds of thousands of people walking to create wonderful dust clouds, but it covers your feet and/or shoes with its loveliness as well. Wearing flip-flops seems like a good idea, except I still don’t think my feet are clean.

5) Don’t slam dance to Daft Punk or I may kick you in the balls or lady nugget. Yes, the Daft Punk show ruled and who knew that robots could re-create the feeling of being at a rave circa 1995, but we are all here trying to go crazy without bruising one another.

6) Don’t dance in a packed crowd with a backpack on that is the same size as a jet pack. And really, is it necessary to dance all spastic when you are listening to Pearl Jam? I’m all for rockin’ out and showing some props, but calm down, please.

7) Do put sun block on your face and reapply frequently. I would hate to see another poor dude with reverse raccoon eyes in the shape of his Oakley sunglasses.

8) Don’t attempt to eat pad thai while walking. Yes, I’m the genius who decided that sticky noodles were appropriate fair food. Stick with items in wrap or bun form or on a stick.

9) Don’t join in on any séances no matter how good of an idea it seems. Dancing around with a group of strangers in a circle to Muse and participating in some kind of Muse cheer is something I can say I did, but not with a huge sense of pride. I’m all for bonding over music, but I really shouldn’t touch strangers both for my sake and theirs.

10) Do make sure that you have back up sweat towels. I have no idea how my solitary sweat towel lasted all three days last year considering I was swinging it through the air and swooshing it between my legs, but this year my sweet sweet towel didn’t last the first day. For the rest of the weekend I was left to wipe my sweat on the nearest unsuspecting victim.