Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It's Time for My Second Career

I want to be a mascot. Any mascot will do. Some weird ambiguous mascot for a Japanese electronics company? Sure.

I'm the right size 5'2 1/2", so according to my BFF I can claim 5'3". Even though I claimed 5'4" for years on my license and at the behest of BFF, after we took out a tape measure and stood back to back, I had to change my license to 5'3". Most mascot costumes will fit me, so there will be no need to invest in the creation of a new one. All I would ask is that some concoction consisting of Febreze, Spermicidal lube, and Purell be slathered on the inside of the costume and that it be aired out afterwards for at least one week.

I have some cheerleading background, albeit, it was for the Pee Wee football team the Homer Stallions when I was five and six years old, but damnit I was chosen to do the demonstration cheer for the conference championship! I've been raring to go ever since we did a homecoming routine to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston.

I am a fan and frequent participant of the dance off, which seems to be very popular in the mascotting industry. I have rhythm and when I dance I use all of my appendages. No leg only or just booty/tail shaking dancing from this mascot.

I can make friends with other mascots and we can choreograph phenomenal routines for the Mascot National Championship. My squad would incorporate more Roger Rabbit, Cabbage Patch, and Stripper Slap moves. The final move only being accomplished by the most skilled among us. Maybe we'll even throw in some wicked pyramid formations and show them all what's up.

Don't feel the need to watch mores than 15 seconds of this:

Wait a second, do I still have to be in college to compete? Don't they have a Championship for just your average Mascot? I'm starting to see my dream fade much like Ribbie and Rhubarb, the beloved although sometimes hated Chicago White Sox mascots from 1981-1988.

There's a Mascot Hall of Fame that is just high falutin' as the National Championship. Thank your lucky stars MHOF that you're only virtual right now because you'd have a bunch of pissed off mascots at your doors waving their out of proportion fists and non-screaming at you for being so elitist.

Even with all of these setbacks and the voices in my head telling me not to move forward, the other voices in my head and chanting for me to be A-W-E-S-O-M-E, awesome, awesome, totally (yes, this was a cheer that I did for Pee Wee football) and do it. I'm shooting for the Chicago 2016 Olympics. Cross your fingers that I'm chosen to be Giardiniera, the Italian Beef Shaped mascot.


Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

You would be the most awesome mascot ever!

Let's devise a plan to create you a bitchin mascot costume for Lolla.

Not sure exactly what it would be, but I see some kind of animal with a pink leotard. And bangles.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

My RA in college was a mascot for a minor league baseball team and said she got destroyed on free mini bat day.

i'd like to think i'd destroy you if you were a mascot. in all senses of the form.

[cherry] - i feel a headband would also be needed.

10:10 AM  
Blogger classyandfancy said...

Cherry- Can the mascot costume for Lolla involve the most breathable & cooling fabric known to man without me having to go naked? Neon preferred.

Julie- You already own a foam finger that says "#1 Douche" so feel free to try to destroy me with that.

I concur on the headband.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Kadonkadonk said...

I hate to break it to you, but I work at a place with a mascot and you have to be at least 5'7" to wear the costume and we ordered it from the same company that makes most college mascots so I am assuming that's a pretty standard thing.... Sorry. :(

2:20 PM  
Blogger classyandfancy said...

Kadonk- That is why I am going to start an alternative mascot league and take my show on the road to Asia where midgets are more appreciated.

4:18 PM  
Blogger 5 of 9er said...

My roomate in NYC was the Kool-Aid man for some grocery store opening (this was before she moved to NYC). The photos were awesome... and Kool-Aid is rad!

12:08 PM  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Great idea! You're perfect for that role, and I mean that!

6:45 PM  

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