I Wanna New Drug
As I strolled into the doctor’s office today I had one goal in mind, a prescription. In order to make that happen I wanted very little effort to be made on my part. I simply wanted the doctor to hear my scratchy “I smoke a pack a day/Kathleen Turner/Demi Moore” voice, tell me to open up and say ahh, write something on that fancy pad, and then tell me to be gone with my bad self. I would then shamon out of that joint. Is that too much to ask?
But, NOOOO! They decided that I would be a great patient for a resident to see! So he goes through a whole list of survey questions about my medical history that I already filled out minutes before and makes me answer them again.
Doogie: So, do you smoke?
Classy: No.
Doogie: Drink?
Classy: . . . Occasionally
Doogie: But nothing too crazy?
Classy: No.
Doogie: Do any other drugs? (Why do they even ask this? Do they think people will honestly admit that they did a speedball in their car before they made their co-pay?)
Classy: No.
Doogie: How do you feel?
Classy: Great! I was just really lonely and felt the need to waste a good two hours of my time by coming here to see you!
Doogie: Do you already have a gynecologist identified?
Classy: Huh?
Doogie: (Nervous) Do you have a gynecologist to do your yearly exam or were you expecting to have one today?
Classy: No, I am here because I am sick, not to here to get my chacha checked out.
Doogie: (Relieved) Oh, good.
I then proceed to hop up on the exam table, get minorly fondled, and am told to do a flexibility test where I lift my legs up in an oh so non-ladylike fashion (???). I won’t bore you with the details. He leaves to consult with the doctor with whom I actually MADE the appointment. He comes back to give me a strep test and in a matter of fact manner tells me that the results look
similar to what I would see on a pregnancy test, as if I use them all the time and am very well versed in hoping that there is only one blue stripe and not two.Finally, the doctor comes in and she is wearing a glittery matching blazer/skirt outfit and looks like she should be a mother on a soap opera. She goes through the same exam with me, but with a little less fondling. I get my Z Pack prescription, but do not shamon or shimmy out of the office.
posted by classyandfancy at 11:56 PM
8 Comments:
You said "chacha"... very ladylike! :)
That's hot.
What kind of doctors do you have round there that have you lifting your legs in the air for a sore throat?!
Still, if you're not well, I'll give you the same advice that everyone else has given me recently; Whisky, Honey & Nyquil.
Good use of the word chacha though :)
Maybe he thought he could get a better look at your throat from the bottom up, through the cha-cha. Those young doctors and unconventional rebels, like the guy on House.
The fondling? Well, maybe he thought the illness was all mental, and if he tuned in Tokyo the sore throat would fade away . . . Either that or he liked your set.
5 of 9er- I try to be, I really do!
Anon only- But, of course, Classy oozes hotness or is a hot mess at all times.
Matt- Obviously our health care system is sub par and perverted. I hope Nyquil will do the trick cuz for me Whisky is like eating/drinking liquid dirt.
Dr. Ken- I hope he appreciated the view. I would have forgiven the creepiness if he wore embellished t-shirts and was addicted to painkillers.
Maybe the illness is mental or maybe it's the idea that sleeping is so boring that contributes to extending my sickness down time. No rest for the wicked.
TO ALL- I am pleased as punch that you appreciate the use of the word chacha and have repeated it in most of your comments. PROPER!
it's good to see what 10 years of med school delivers.. *sigh* America is so bad at picking her battles. :)
Merry Cha-Cha and Happy New Year!
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