Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Apparently, unlike TLC, I wanted a scrub

Since Chicago had a recent heat wave that has again been crushed by the good ol’ cool front I am going to take back a recent resolution I made. Not too long ago when it was a billion below zero out I headed over to see my fake husband DJ Major Taylor at was I considered THE place to be on a Saturday night, Tuman’s. Now, I know people liked it much better when it had the sign that said “The alcohol abuse center” and you could get most drinks for under two bucks, but back in those times, although there was a kick ass juke box, there was no Major Taylor. And, Major Taylor is all I need to make my Saturday night sweatastic.

Well, on said below zero night, I was shaking my groove thing with my ladies, got my back, and by back I mean back, booty danced upon by a giant man who said that BFF and I were married to one another (snore, I’ve heard that before), and ended the night there with some Toto “Africa”. I was sweating like I was in Barbados (is it hot there?) and we decided that the night was not over. We headed over to the Continental, which is open until 4am and down the street from Tuman’s. It is kind of like the hipster Tai’s, one of my friend’s stole a super duper candle holder from there for me during another OCD night.

While walking towards the Continental I thought I was going to die from the shakes and lo and behold an SUV drives by slowly and honks its horn. Now, like normal I shouted back to the honkers, but unlike normal, I shouted something that I had never said to a drive by honker, “Hey, give us a ride.” Now, did anyone else I was with have the presence of mind to think, hmmm, we are getting into a car with some strangers who may or may not take us to our destination? No, we were all freezing our balls off! We hop in the back and as they begin driving I start opening and closing the back door and say, “I am going to roll out of this thing!” The guys kept saying I was crazy (snore, I’ve heard that before) because I probably tried to do it at least three times. They find parking by the Continental and we leave the car. They never head into the Continental, we got our ride, but too bad the Continental sucked and BFF almost got in a fight with a miniature bald guy.

Was it worth almost dying for? ‘Fraid not. The next day we made the resolution to never take a ride from a stranger again. But, you know what? It’s cold again, I like seeing my fake husband as often as I can, and don’t like my nights to end at 2am, so, potential ax murderers, I may be willing to roll out of your vehicle if you are so inclined.


Monday, March 19, 2007

OCD Thievery Corporation

I am not sure why, but whenever I am hitting the sauce my OCD is accelerated ten fold. It doesn't help that I now own a dope digital camera that aids me with documenting the accomplishment of the OCD tasks I am hell bent on accomplishing.

Theft #1: St.Patty's signs taped to the bathroom stall

Why? I mean, they are pretty cool looking and it helps that I have a big purse to place the items in, but really am I going to ever put these things up again?

Theft #2: A child's headband

It was just sitting on the table just waiting to be stolen. With a little stretching out I was way ready to get in shape, girl. I was also ready for some karate chops & judo chops and some sweet 80s poses.

Theft #3 & 4: Balloon Hat & Elfkins

One of my sole missions of the day (well, it was decided upon once I saw these kids running around with balloon art) was to have a balloon hat made for me. After many beers and eating a few plates consisting of a head of cabbage, potatoes, and Edy's mint bits I was ready to to approach a quite girthy man in a green suit who was a balloon maestro. There was no line! But, it was not meant to be, he was going to make a sash (c'mon a sash!) for a middle aged man and then was done for the day. I HAD to have a balloon hat! I started rolling on the ground and threw a tantrum. That didn't help. So, I decided to see if there were any children that left their balloon wear unattended. No luck, none of them were drunk enough. Finally, I was able to get a hold of a leftover remnant of a sword and a friend of mine found another remnant in the bathroom. I fashioned a hat which now to me looks a little bit like a man's no no part.

The ultimate steal of the day has to be my two Irish elfkin friends. Aren't they the coolest? I spotted the little lady on the women's bathroom early on at the engagement. My OCD theft sensor was on full blast. Look at that bonnet! How I would kill for it! I wanted to steal it immediately, but there was an official looking guy in front of the bathroom with a name badge on for goodness sakes that would have surely ejected me from the fun times. After the festivities were over I was greeted with the best gift of the day, BFF stealthily grabbed a hold of my dear bonneted harp playing friend* and snatched her off the door for me! Head on hands resty elfkin was spotted out of the corner of my eye and I knew my day would not be complete without the pair. I spent the rest of the day introducing my knew friends to anyone who would listen, actually I would make them listen, and would whip them out of safe keeping from my bag. I am sure they were very pleased to meet them.

*unfortunately the little lady received an amputation that detached her from her harp later on in the day

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I headed to the South Side of Chicago on Sunday for my first South Side Irish Parade. I had heard about all the craziness that happened during the event and I was game on for it. I prepared myself for projectiles and paddy wagons. I really wanted to hang out with this lovely lady. But, alas, it did not happen. By the time the parade route was near to where I was enjoying some pre-parade frivolities I had mud smeared on my face and I was sitting on the sidewalk in front of a random house in the neighborhood.

I did accomplish my own bit of "mayhem" nonetheless. I marveled at the fifteen pounds of corned beef, chased someone around with a lawn sign and broke it over their back, completely ruined my arm throwing some awesome TD passes, ripped my new hoochie momma shirt, and struggled to keep the bathroom door closed. I hung out a lot with a twelve year old and we totally schooled his dad and uncle at basketball.

This weekend I'm straight up VIP for a hotel party. I'm going to lift my pinkie when I drink out of the mini stein around my neck. I am going to curtsy when introducing myself to plush leprechauns. Then I am going to ask for a piggy back ride with the hopes that said ride will lead to some molestation of him/her/it.

Hope your celebrations are keen!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

I clearly suck

Ms. Gong will be the first one to agree with me. With going to London, coming home, not realizing how I got into a Jeepers Creepers Ford Bronco, going to a Chinese New Years party and sleeping in a nine year old's bed, and finally contracting whooping cough or something equally as sinister for the past week, I have been completly lax and brain dead, thus unable to keep you up to date on my going ons. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Actually, I do, and that's the bad part.

So, for today I leave you with some highlights from London:

1) Our hotel wouldn't let us check in because they claimed to have never worked with United Airlines. I just think our fine hostess Vladimira was a wee bit confused.

2) Wandering around the first night there and finding the Lloyd's Building. Initially, we thought it was a building under construction, but were intrigued by it being all lit up quite strategically. I later came to the conclusion that that thing is straight out of Blade Runner.

3) I learned a new pickup line. Instead of saying, "Well, hello, what's your name?" You instead pick a feature of the person and highlight it like so: To a hunky man wearing an ipod, "Well, hello, ipod much." To a hottie with the unfortunate fate of having a girlfriend, "Well, hello, get rid of your girlfriend much?" Not that I actually used any of these lines to people's faces, it was more like I said them as they were walking by.

4) It is very easy to fall into a British accent. Mine is a very bratty one much like Veruca Salt's from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I kept messing with my brother when he would accidently speak with a accent and say, "Excuse me, I can't understand you?" There was also a point in during the trip where we were walking around Kensington and I was remarking on all the beautiful abodes and I cracked my brother up by saying in my Veruca tone, "I want to live EVERYWHERE!!"

5) Cobra Beer kicked me right on my ass. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't of had this many.

6) Never trust Time Out London to offer you the most up to date information. My brother found a listing for a store called Trainer'd in the Stable Markets on Chalk Farm Road, Stall number 539, that seemed right up my alley for I was jonesing for a sweet pair of Nikes. Not only did the stalls not have numbers on them that were prominently displayed, after walking up and down Camden we finally found stalls in the 500 range. We found 539, but all that were inside were track suits. I wasn't in the mood to join the highly publicized Spice Girls reunion tour and when my brother asked the shop's salesperson if Trainer'd was indeed at the stall, he told us it closed in November.

7) After walking what seemed like the entire city in two days all I wanted to do was amputate my feet. I also wanted to exterminate them, but for some reason that didn't make a ton of sense.

8) Meeting Meaning of Loaf and his coworkers was a joy. What was not a joy was mixing Magner's Cider and hefty amounts of Carlsberg lager. I took lots of pictures after the debaucle, didn't remember we took a cab home, and apparently LOVE taking pictures of myself in motion shots while falling down on the bed.

9) It is okay to steal a teenager's bag if you give him ample time to pick it up from the bus station.

10) My brother wants to decorate his whole home like the London Dungeon. Not to my tastes, really, but if that Sweeney Todd townsguy/actor can be tricked to hop a plane over to the States believing it's his second home due to my brother's keen designing style, I'm all for it. I promise to pick up as many moldy stones, chains, and bats as necessary.